Authentic Relationships
Our relationships with our family, friends, colleagues and community
Self-Coaching Guide: Authentic Relationships at Work
I feel part of a close, supportive team
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Belonging: A sense of belonging enhances mental health and job satisfaction. Research shows that employees who feel a strong sense of belonging are 3.5 times more likely to be engaged at work.
- Support: Supportive teams can reduce stress and increase resilience. A study found that social support at work can buffer the negative effects of job stress.
- Inclusion: Feeling included fosters a positive work environment and collaboration.
- Reflective Prompts:
- How do you feel about your team(s)? What makes it feel this way?
- What would you like from your team(s) that isn’t happening now? How much can you influence this? How much is down to others?
- What steps could you take personally to improve cohesion in your team?
- ACTION STRATEGIES
- Identify specific actions you can take to foster a sense of belonging and support within your team.
- Communicate openly with your team members about your needs and expectations.
- Participate in team-building activities to strengthen relationships and cohesion.
I feel respected and that other people take me seriously
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Self-Esteem: Feeling respected boosts self-esteem and self-worth.
- Mutual Respect: Mutual respect enhances team dynamics and collaboration.
- Professional Identity: Being taken seriously reinforces your professional identity and confidence.
- Reflective Prompts:
- What makes you feel that you are not respected at work? What examples are you drawing on to elicit this feeling?
- How is this impacting your wellbeing?
- What opportunities are there for you to change how people respond to you and your ideas?
- What options do you have to protect yourself from others’ behaviour better?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on specific instances where you felt disrespected and consider how you can address these situations.
- Seek feedback from trusted colleagues to understand how you are perceived and identify areas for improvement.
- Develop strategies to assertively communicate your ideas and boundaries.
I have fun and share light-hearted moments with my colleagues
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Positive Emotions: Fun and laughter can boost mood and reduce stress. Laughter has been shown to trigger the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals.
- Team Bonding: Light-hearted moments strengthen team bonds and improve morale.
- Work-Life Balance: Enjoying work can enhance overall life satisfaction.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Would you like to have more fun at work? With whom? Where do you see opportunities for this?
- What constitutes ‘fun’ in your mind? What’s missing or preventing it currently?
- Think back to when you experienced more light-hearted work environments; what were the factors that made it so for you?
- What options exist for creating more fun or light-heartedness in your current work?
- Action Strategies:
- Identify opportunities to incorporate fun and light-hearted moments into your workday.
- Encourage team activities that promote laughter and enjoyment.
- Reflect on past experiences of fun at work and consider how to recreate those moments.
I trust my boss
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Job Satisfaction: Trust in leadership is crucial for job satisfaction and engagement. Employees who trust their leaders are 12 times more likely to be fully engaged at work.
- Stress Reduction: Trusting your boss can reduce work-related stress and anxiety.
- Professional Growth: A trusting relationship with your boss can support your professional development.
- Reflective Prompts:
- How would you describe your trust dynamic with your boss(es)?
- What has occurred to leave you feeling disinclined to trust them?
- How does a lack of trust impact your wellbeing, job satisfaction, or performance? How big a deal is this for you?
- What would have to happen to make you feel more trusting towards your boss(es)? Under what circumstances could that happen? How can you influence this?
- Step into your boss(es)’s shoes for a moment; if you were them, how might you interpret or explain what has occurred in a different light? What possible alternative explanation or justification might there be?
- Is the dynamic between you tolerable? Is it recoverable? What boundaries or other strategies can you use to prevent further decline?
- Are there other sources of feedback, support, or guidance open to you from elsewhere in your organisation (to compensate or work around your boss)?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on the specific issues affecting your trust in your boss and consider how to address them.
- Communicate openly with your boss about your concerns and seek to understand their perspective.
- Identify alternative sources of support and feedback within your organization.
I am treated by my colleagues in the way I want to be treated
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Self-Worth: Being treated well by colleagues enhances self-worth and confidence.
- Work Environment: Positive interactions contribute to a healthy work environment.
- Professional Relationships: Respectful treatment fosters strong professional relationships.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Write down how you feel you are currently treated and then describe how you would like to be treated differently. Is this a general thing, or are there specific people or patterns of interactions that are especially upsetting or disappointing? Describe in as much detail as you can: be specific with examples.
- How big is the gap between the description of your current reality and your ideal future state? Are these minor adjustments or significant discrepancies?
- How well do your colleagues know or understand how you would like to be treated and that the way you feel you are currently treated is not as you would like or need it to be? What would you love them to understand, say, or do differently? If you could be promised no negative repercussions, what would you like to say or explain to them?
- What risks and benefits might flow if you communicated some of the above? Which situation feels least palatable to you – saying nothing and nothing changing or saying something and the conversation going badly? How would you cope in both situations?
- Considering the above, what have you decided on as your immediate next step?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on how you are currently treated and identify specific changes you want to see.
- Communicate your needs and expectations clearly to your colleagues.
- Develop strategies to address discrepancies between your current reality and ideal future state.
I experience toxic working relationships*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Mental Health: Toxic relationships can severely impact mental health and wellbeing. Chronic exposure to toxic work environments can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
- Work Performance: Negative interactions can affect job performance and satisfaction.
- Professional Environment: A toxic work environment can lead to high stress and burnout.
- Within the context of workplace relationships each of us may interpret and experience ‘toxic’ in different ways as there are many characteristics that can fall under this category. Some of the most common and serious include:
- Bullying and Harassment: Any pattern of direct intimidation, threats, physically, mentally or verbally abusive or aggressive behavior from colleagues or supervisors.
- Discrimination: Any pattern of unfair treatment based on race, gender, age, or other personal characteristics.
- Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Indirect hostility, such as sarcasm, backhanded compliments, gaslighting or white-anting.
- Lack of Respect: Disrespectful behavior, such as ignoring opinions, interrupting, or belittling others.
- Gossip and Cliques: Persistent gossiping and the formation of exclusive groups that cause or contribute to a hostile environment.
- Micromanagement: Excessive control over your work, leading to a lack of autonomy and trust.
- Unrealistic Workloads: Being consistently expected to do excessive amounts of work that are evidently not manageable and leaves you feeling stressed and burnt-out.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Which of the above categories of “toxic” do you feel you experience? Are you experiencing this personally or indirectly (by seeing others affected)?
- With whom do you experience these distressing dynamics? Do others experience the same person(s) in the same way, or do you feel you are being singled out and personally targeted? Is this about you, or is it about them? Or both?
- What is the impact of this toxicity on you?
- What strategies have you tried that have not helped you manage or improve the situation, i.e., what is NOT working?
- What strategies haven’t you tried that could reduce the risk and impact of this toxicity on you?
- Strategies and Options:
- Open Communication: If you feel psychologically safe enough to do so, have you tried to address the issue directly with the person(s) involved using “I think/feel X when you say/do Y” to explain how their behaviour affects you? Focus on what you have in common and what outcome is desirable, and craft your words, body language, and tone to achieve these outcomes. Check your motives and intentions before speaking up/out.
- Boundaries: Clearly define and communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and how you will respond if the behaviours from them continue. For example, “In the future, if you do Y again, my response will be Z.”
- Supportive Network: Identify allies among your colleagues who can offer support and advice. It can make a huge difference!
- Record Keeping: Note incidents with dates, times, and details in case you escalate to HR, management, whistleblower, or other complaints process.
- Escalation: Decide when and under what circumstances you will bring it to the attention of the organisation’s formal systems, leadership, and processes. Check what workplace policies and regulations apply.
- Self-Care: Prioritise the steps you need to take to protect yourself from further harm or distress. Consider talking to a coach, a counsellor, therapist or other professional/expert to alleviate your stress/distress and navigate the situation.
- Self-Regulation: Mindfulness and relaxation techniques can help manage stress and emotional responses.
- Learning and Development: Reflecting on what you can learn from the experience can foster personal growth.
- Compassion: Trying to understand the other person’s perspective can sometimes improve the situation.
The politics I experience in my work life detract from my wellbeing*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Mental Health: Office politics can lead to stress, anxiety, and decreased job satisfaction.
- Work Performance: Navigating office politics can distract from core responsibilities and reduce productivity.
- Professional Relationships: Negative political environments can damage trust and collaboration.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Where/how/when do ‘office politics’ manifest in your experience? How long has it been like this?
- In what way do you feel you are being manipulated or that other people have ulterior motives?
- How do you engage with ’politics’ in your workplace? How is that working for you?
- In what way does politics detract from your wellbeing – how does it make you feel? How does it affect your job satisfaction and your performance?
- What alternative responses or reactions could you try to minimise or contain the effects of ‘politics’ on your wellbeing or performance?
- Action Strategies:
- Self-Awareness: Reflect on your role in workplace politics and how you might be contributing to or mitigating the situation.
- Open Communication: Address political issues directly with colleagues if you feel safe to do so, focusing on common goals and outcomes.
- Boundary Setting: Clearly define and communicate your boundaries to avoid being drawn into unnecessary political conflicts. (See Balance & Boundaries for more tips on setting and holding boundaries).
- Stress Management: Practice stress-reduction techniques such as mindfulness, exercise, or talking to a trusted friend or mentor.
- Professional Development: Seek training, coaching or resources on navigating office politics effectively and ethically.
I go out of my way to show empathy for colleagues’ feelings and needs
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Emotional Generosity: Being emotionally generous towards others is strongly linked to wellbeing benefits for the ‘giver’ of empathy, not only the receiver!
- Stronger Connections: Empathy supports stronger, deeper connections in the workplace, as people feel heard and understood and have more trust and goodwill to contribute.
- Leadership: If you are a people leader/supervisor, your success in creating ‘followers’ can only be achieved by engaging with people at an emotional level (Robertson, 2006).
- Reflective Prompts:
- Reflect on why you don’t ‘go out of your way’ to do this, what impact this might have, and what changes may benefit you and others.
- What is the risk that by not showing care and concern for others’ feelings and needs, they might feel you are driven by self-interest at the expense of others?
- What holds you back from showing empathy to others? Do you feel do care and feel concern for them but simply do not show it? Why not? Or not show it because you don’t feel it? Or not show it because you are distracted and not thinking of them or their feelings?
- What impact does the absence of demonstrable empathy for others have on you or on them? What need or benefit does it serve? At what cost?
- Would you like this aspect of your approach to be different? If so, what changes are needed?
- Action Strategies:
- Pay Attention: Pay more attention to the effects of your words and actions on others. How might what you are saying/doing (or NOT saying/doing) be experienced or perceived by them?
- Explicit Communication: Remember that others can’t read your mind or intentions, so explicitly convey everything you want them to know about your thoughts and feelings.
- Empathy Practice: Set aside some time each day (on the way to/from work works well) to think about how others may be experiencing you. Try to empathise with their needs and perspectives. Reflect on your most recent interactions with them and imagine how they might have thought or felt about those.
- Active Listening: Listen by seeking to understand where your colleagues are coming from, not merely by hearing their words. Ask more open questions with an inquiring and interested tone. Listen twice as much as you speak.
- Congruence: Ensure your words, tone, and actions are congruent; this is essential to trust, rapport, and authenticity.
My work is acknowledged and appreciated
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Validation: As social beings, all humans need to feel valued and accepted by others at some level.
- Motivation: Feeling acknowledged and appreciated can boost motivation and job satisfaction.
- Self-Worth: Recognition from others enhances self-worth and confidence.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Who specifically would you like to do a better job of acknowledging and appreciating your work? Your boss? Your peers? More junior colleagues? HR? Customers? Management? Would they be aware of this? Could you initiate discussion(s) with the relevant parties to discuss your feelings?
- What does the absence of feeling appropriately acknowledged or appreciated mean to you? How is it affecting you? How big an issue is it? Is it affecting your wellbeing? Motivation? Job satisfaction? Is it tolerable or intolerable for you?
- What criteria are you using to determine feeling acknowledged and appreciated? Feedback? Thanks? Praise? Promotion? Performance Appraisal? Remuneration/salary increase? Job titles? Public recognition? Responsibilities/portfolio? Decision-making mandate? Bonus? Other?
- Do you feel the issue is absolute or relative to how you believe others are acknowledged or appreciated? Does it feel unjust to you? Are your feelings occurring in the context of a process or procedural unfairness?
- If your work were to be more appropriately acknowledged and appreciated to your satisfaction, what forms would this take, and how is this different to what is currently occurring, i.e., in what ways do you want to be acknowledged or appreciated that is different to how things are currently occurring in your view?
- Outside of seeking validation from others, what can you do through self-recognition to acknowledge and appreciate yourself?
- Action Strategies:
- Initiate Conversations: Initiate discussions with relevant parties to express your feelings and seek feedback.
- Self-Recognition: Practice self-recognition and self-appreciation to validate your own efforts and achievements.
- Set Clear Expectations: Communicate your expectations clearly to your colleagues and supervisors.
- Seek Feedback: Regularly seek feedback to understand how your work is perceived and identify areas for improvement.
I know where I stand with regard to my work performance
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Clarity and Reassurance: Clarity on your performance can be reassuring, but its absence can be unsettling. It is connected to feeling respected, valued, and fairly rewarded. Employees who receive regular feedback are 3.6 times more likely to be engaged at work. Regular feedback can enhance feelings of competence and relatedness.
- Self-Validation: Relying too heavily on external feedback can lead to a dependency on validation from others. Creating your own goals and becoming a primary source of feedback for yourself is crucial. Self-determination theory emphasises the importance of autonomy, competence, and relatedness in fostering motivation and psychological growth.
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- Self-Recognition: Objectively and accurately assessing your performance is integral to self-recognition and emotional intelligence.
- Reflective Prompts:
- What clarity is missing for you about your work performance? Why is this important to you?
- From whom can you seek the feedback or evaluation you need? Have you sought it previously? If not received, why do you think this is?
- How have you reacted to feedback or performance appraisals in the past? Is there anything that might make others apprehensive about giving you honest feedback?
- Is there a culture of ‘little feedback unless there’s a significant problem’ in your organisation?
- Could the lack of feedback be because you are performing well and there are no concerns? How likely do you feel this might be?
- How can you make it easier for others to provide you with the clarity you are seeking?
- Instead of asking for formal feedback, how might you frame the discussion in a more casual manner? For example, could you say, “I would value any guidance or insights you might have for me that would help me to achieve my best future self/career?”
- How can you make it easier for others to provide constructive suggestions? For example, could you lead with “What are the aspects of how I currently approach work that you worry limit my future success?”
- How could you frame the discussion in a way that invites open and future-oriented guidance and reduces pressure on them needing to anchor their comments in factual, historical, evidence-based, high-quality feedback? Could you ask them to pretend they are your friend or mentor, not your boss or peer?
- What is your primary motivation for obtaining greater clarity?
- Are you seeking feedback for reassurance, learning and development, or understanding your future potential?
- Is the lack of clarity linked to your reward, recognition, or future career progression?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on the specific clarity you need about your performance and why it matters to you.
- Seek feedback from trusted colleagues and mentors, framing the discussion to invite open and constructive insights.
- Develop your own self-assessment and share it with others for their input.
- Consider the organizational culture and how it might impact feedback practices.
- Practice self-recognition and set personal goals to become a primary source of feedback for yourself.
I feel I miss out on building relationships with colleagues because of the demands of my personal life*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Relationship Quality: Maximizing the quality of your interactions with colleagues, even with limited time, can foster stronger social connections. People with strong social connections at work are 50% more likely to be satisfied with their job. Social exchange theory suggests that relationships are built on exchanging resources, such as support and information, which can enhance job satisfaction and performance.
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- Work-Life Balance: Personal commitments can limit opportunities to build close relationships with colleagues, impacting your sense of belonging and support at work.
- Conscious Trade-Offs: Understanding and accepting the trade-offs you make between personal life and work relationships can reduce resentment and enhance satisfaction.
- Reflective Prompts:
- How important is it to you to have close relationships with your colleagues?
- In what way do you feel you are missing out on building relationships with colleagues due to personal life demands? How long has this been the case?
- What is the impact of missing out on these relationships? What does it mean for you? What are the costs and gains at this stage in your career/life?
- Does not having the same opportunities to build close relationships at work bother you enough to try and change it?
- What can you do to minimize the impact or manage the consequences?
- With the limited time you have, how can you maximize the closeness of your relationships with colleagues? How can you convey to them that you wish you could spend more time with them?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on the importance of building relationships with colleagues and the impact of personal life demands.
- Identify specific trade-offs you have made and consider if they were conscious and purposeful.
- Develop strategies to maximize the quality of your interactions with colleagues, even with limited time.
- Communicate openly with colleagues about your personal commitments and your desire to build stronger relationships.
- Seek opportunities to integrate social interactions into your work routine, such as lunch breaks or team activities.
Self-Coaching Guide: Authentic Relationships at Home
My relationships with the key people in my life are as I want them to be
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Quality of Life: The quality of your most important personal relationships has a fundamental impact on your overall wellbeing. Research shows that strong relationships can lead to a longer life, better health, and greater happiness. People with strong social relationships are 50% more likely to live longer than those with weaker relationships.
- Emotional Support: Healthy relationships provide emotional support, which is crucial for managing stress and maintaining mental health. In psychology, Attachment Theory suggests that the quality of early relationships with caregivers can influence relationships throughout life, highlighting the importance of secure and supportive connections.
- Life Satisfaction: Being happy with your key relationships will enhance your overall life satisfaction and sense of fulfillment.
- Reflective Prompts:
- What relationships were you thinking about when you answered this question?
- Describe what you would like to be different from how things are currently.
- Describe how you feel the other person(s) feel about the relationship and what is occurring between you. How might their experience or views differ from yours? Have you asked them? What assumptions are you or they at risk of making?
- How long have you felt like this? How does this compare to how things used to be?
- How motivated are you to improve/recover the relationship(s)? What is your best possible outcome? What are you aiming for? How realistic is this? What would the other person(s) say? Do you know what they want for the relationship going forward? Can you ask them?
- What have you tried so far? What has helped? What’s had no impact or made things worse?
- What can you do to positively impact the relationship? Who else might be able to support you or help facilitate improvements?
- Given you can’t change their behaviours, how can you adjust your own thoughts and actions in response to this person/people?
- Action Strategies:
- Suspend Negative Judgments: Avoid over-criticizing others and focus on their positives. Make affectionate comments to build a positive atmosphere.
- Active Listening: Make time to ask and really listen to the key people in your life. Show them you are interested and avoid complacency.
- Self-Regulation: Remember that you can’t control the thoughts, feelings, or behaviours of others, no matter how much you love them or might wish that you could. You can only control yourself.
- Prioritize Relationships: If you feel your family is the most important thing in your life, ensure your actions honour and reflect this. Please don’t put your loved ones last on your list, and don’t take them for granted.
I have a fulfilling relationship with at least one significant person in my life
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Happiness and Purpose: For many people, happiness and purpose are derived from being in fulfilling relationships with others. These relationships can bring joy, support, and a sense of belonging.
- Emotional Fulfillment: Fulfilling relationships provide emotional support and intimacy, which are crucial for mental health and overall wellbeing. The Investment Model of Relationships suggests that satisfaction, quality of alternatives, and investment size are key factors in relationship commitment and stability.
- Stress Reduction: Being in a fulfilling relationship can help reduce stress and improve resilience.
- Reflective Prompts:
- How important do you feel love and intimacy are to your happiness and contentment?
- To what extent is this an element of your life that you would love to be different, and is (at risk of) detracting from your overall sense of wellbeing?
- If you are in a relationship, but the issue is that it’s not as fulfilling as you need or want it to be, consider the following:
- How long have you felt this way?
- What would make the relationship more fulfilling?
- What steps have you taken to try to improve things?
- What’s worked previously that might work again?
- What haven’t you tried that might make a positive difference this time?
- If it stays the same, how will you feel?
- What are your options? What is your best/worst case scenario, and what can you say/do to move you towards the former and away from the latter?
- How does the other person feel? Are you sure?
- What are your thoughts and feelings about seeking support from a specialist relationship counsellor or therapist?
- If you are seldom in any intimate relationship and this is your choice and by design, consider the following:
- Does the basis on which you made that choice still feel valid and congruent for you at this stage in your life?
- Have your beliefs, values, and circumstances remained the same?
- Does this still feel like the best choice for you? Why?
- In what way is your decision serving you well? What downsides/costs might there be and how do these stack up against how you benefit?
- If you are seldom in any intimate relationship and this situation is not by your choice or preference, consider the following:
- What are your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about the reason(s) preventing such a relationship from developing?
- What actions would help to address these reasons?
- Is it time to (re)consider what you’re looking for in a partnership?
- If you were to be more open and curious, what would that look like?
- Are there past relationship dynamics in your personal life that remain an issue for today? Might you (re)consider therapeutic counseling now?
- How big a priority or focus does this feel for you at this stage in your life? More, or less, important than it has been?
- What proactive step could you take now to try and form a new relationship?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on Importance: Reflect on how important love and intimacy are to your happiness and contentment in life.
- Identify Changes: Identify what would make your relationship more fulfilling and take steps to achieve these changes.
- Seek Support: Consider seeking support from a specialist relationship counselor or therapist if needed.
- Reevaluate Choices: If you are not in a relationship by choice, reevaluate whether this choice still serves you well and consider making changes if necessary.
- Take Proactive Steps: Take proactive steps to form new relationships if this is a priority for you.
I feel lonely or isolated*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Mental and Physical Health: Social Isolation Theory suggests that social isolation can lead to various adverse health outcomes, and loneliness is associated with serious detrimental effects on mental and physical wellbeing, including increased risk of depression, anxiety, and cardiovascular diseases. Chronic lifelong loneliness can increase the risk of premature death by 26%.
- Emotional Support: Building connections can provide emotional support and reduce feelings of isolation. “The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” – Michel de Montaigne.
- Life Satisfaction: Strong social connections are linked to greater life satisfaction and happiness.
- Reflective Prompts:
- How often do you feel lonely or isolated? What are the circumstances that contribute to these feelings?
- What steps have you taken to try to connect with others? What has worked and what hasn’t?
- How do you feel about reaching out to new people or joining new groups? What holds you back?
- How might your current lifestyle or habits contribute to your feelings of loneliness?
- What small changes can you make to start building connections and reducing isolation?
- Action Strategies:
- Initiate Social Interactions: Schedule regular catchups with close friends and family and be brave in inviting newer acquaintances to join you in social or active events.
- Join Communities: Participate in professional organisations or online communities related to your interests to create a sense of belonging and networking opportunities.
- Volunteer: Look for volunteering opportunities within your local community or online to connect with others and gain a sense of purpose.
- Pursue Hobbies: Engage in different hobbies or interests outside of work to meet new people and reduce feelings of isolation.
- Physical Activity: Regular physical activity, even if done alone, can protect your mood and reduce feelings of loneliness. Joining a gym, Pilates class, or a club with team sports can enhance social connections.
- Mindfulness and Meditation: Experiment with mindfulness and meditation, such as loving-kindness meditation, to feel more connected to yourself and others.
- Use Technology Wisely: Use social media judiciously to connect and interact with others rather than passively scrolling (“Zombie Scrolling”).
- Virtual Catchups: Schedule regular virtual catchups with geographically distant friends and family to stay emotionally connected.
- Support Groups: Find and join a support group that offers a safe space to share your experiences and connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
- Professional Help: Consider seeking professional help, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or other forms of psychotherapy, to address feelings of loneliness.
I can raise concerns or problems with my family and friends
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Communication:Effective communication is crucial for maintaining good relationships over time, linked to higher relationship satisfaction and lower levels of conflict. “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
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- Emotional Support: Openly and constructively raising concerns and problems with loved ones facilitates emotional support and strengthens bonds.
- Conflict Resolution: Open communication helps resolve conflicts and prevent misunderstandings. Communication Accommodation Theory suggests that people adjust their communication styles to match their conversation partners, which can enhance understanding and reduce conflict
- Reflective Prompts:
- What do you feel are your issues in raising concerns or problems?
- What sorts of concerns/problems were you reflecting upon when responding to this question?
- How much of the challenge you experience is internal to your thoughts and feelings, and a reluctance on your part to be open in sharing your concerns? Where does any such reluctance or difficulty stem from? How relevant is your family upbringing/formative years in this regard? What have you seen role-modelled? Have you encountered any pivotal negative experiences that might have taught you to keep your concerns to yourself?
- If you were to raise your concerns or problems openly, what would you fear might happen? Becoming a burden to others? Appearing weak, vulnerable, or a failure? Not having the verbal or self-regulatory skills to trust yourself to have a constructive conversation?
- How much of your challenge relates to how you predict others will react if you open yourself up? Not trusting in their skills or compassion? Is it possible you are underestimating them? Can you try framing what you are hoping to get from them by sharing what is on your mind…and what you don’t want to have happen as a result of the conversation?
- Action Strategies:
- Identify Issues: Reflect on the specific issues that make it difficult for you to raise concerns or problems with your loved ones.
- Practice Communication: Practice constructively sharing your feelings and emotions using the ‘When you X, I feel Y’ framework.
- Build Trust: Work on building trust with your loved ones by being open and honest about your feelings and concerns.
- Seek Feedback: Ask for feedback from your loved ones on how you can improve your communication and address any concerns they might have.
- Professional Support: Consider seeking support from a therapist or counsellor to develop better communication skills and strategies for raising concerns.
I contribute to other people’s success and happiness
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
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- Altruism: Research on altruism suggests that acts of kindness benefit both the giver and the receiver, enhancing happiness and wellbeing for both parties.
- Sense of Purpose: Helping others contributes to your sense of purpose and self-worth. Feeling useful and making positive contributions to others’ lives is a proven indicator of happiness. Look for opportunities to help not just your family and close friends but also your broader community and the world at large.
- Reflective Prompts:
- In what ways do you feel you could or should contribute more to other people’s happiness?
- Can you discuss with your family and friends how you impact their lives and explore if there’s anything else they would like you to do to help them be happier or more successful?
- How often do you ask, “How can I help you?”
- If you’re unsure about your impact on others, consider if you might be underestimating your relevance. How might you challenge this belief?
- Action Strategies:
- Initiate Conversations:Open discussions with your loved ones about how you contribute to their lives and what more you could do.
- Ask for Feedback:Regularly ask, “How can I help you?” to understand how you can better support others.
- Recognize Small Acts:Understand that contributing to others’ success and happiness often happens in small ways, not grand gestures. Notice when your actions positively affect someone’s emotions.
- Challenge Self-Doubt:If you tend to be self-critical, work on recognising and challenging the belief that you don’t have an impact on others.
I spend time and do things with the people I like
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Social Connection: Spending time with people you like enhances your sense of belonging and happiness.
- Health: Research shows that strong social connections can lower stress levels, improve mood, and even boost cardiovascular health.
- Stress Relief: Engaging in enjoyable activities with others can reduce stress and improve mood. Social interactions can act as a buffer against stress and promote mental health.
- Work-Life Balance: Balancing obligations with social activities is crucial for overall wellbeing. A healthy work-life balance can prevent burnout and improve life satisfaction.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Are you feeling too busy with work, home, or family obligations to see the people you enjoy the most?
- With whom and what sorts of activities are you missing out on?
- How long has this been the case?
- What impact or consequences does this have for you?
- Think about your closest friends – when did you last speak to or see them?
- How acceptable is the current (im)balance to you?
- What will happen if this carries on or gets worse?
- Can you schedule one small but nice social interaction in the next week that would feel like a step in the right direction?
Action Strategies:
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- Reflect on the importance of spending time with people you like and identify specific activities you miss out on.
- Schedule regular social interactions, even small ones, to maintain connections.
- Review your responses to Balance & Boundaries questions to identify underlying issues and set firm boundaries to protect your social time.
I experience damaging relationships in my personal life*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Mental Health: Damaging relationships can severely impact mental health and wellbeing. Toxic relationships are linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even PTSD.
- Emotional Safety: Protecting yourself from harmful relationships is crucial for emotional safety. Establishing boundaries can help manage the impact of toxic relationships.
- Support Systems: Having a support system can help you navigate and mitigate the impact of damaging relationships. Social support is essential for resilience and recovery.
- Reflective Prompts:
- What are the relationships you are thinking of here? How do these impact you?
- What have you done/can you do to protect yourself or distance yourself from these relationships?
- Who else might be able to help you? What support or help do you have?
Action Strategies:
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- Reflect on the specific damaging relationships and their impact on you.
- Develop strategies to protect yourself or distance yourself from these relationships.
- Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist to help navigate these challenges.
- If you have unresolved concerns for safety, consider seeking professional help immediately.
I give and receive love, warmth and affection
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Emotional Health: Expressing and receiving love, warmth, and affection is crucial for emotional health.
- Relationship Quality: These expressions strengthen the quality and depth of relationships. Affectionate behaviours are linked to higher relationship satisfaction.
- Stress Reduction: Physical touch and affectionate communication can reduce stress levels. Oxytocin, released during physical touch, promotes bonding and reduces stress.
- Reflective Prompts:
- Is the issue for you about not giving or not receiving love, warmth, or affection? Or both?
- How clear are you about what you most value and appreciate about the key people in your life? How much of this have you shared with them?
- If you find it challenging to show, give, or express your love, warmth, or affection to others, is that because you are simply out of practice, or is it something more deep-seated?
- If you’ve tried but feel this is too deep or pervasive an issue for you to tackle successfully by yourself, would you consider talking to a therapist or psychologist?
- If you reflect that you feel you give but don’t receive as much love, warmth, or affection as you want, in what ways and from whom would you like this to be different?
- How did things used to be in the past with these relationships? What insights do you have into when, why, and in what way they have subsequently changed?
- How do you believe the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the other party(ies) have altered?
- In the case of a currently unsatisfying relationship(s), what steps need to happen now towards your goal for this relationship?
- Does the other person(s) know how you are feeling? Have you asked them to share theirs?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on whether the issue is about giving or receiving love, warmth, and affection.
- Make a concerted effort to express your appreciation and affection to your loved ones.
- Consider seeking support from a therapist or psychologist if needed.
- Communicate openly with your loved ones about your needs and desires for the relationship.
I feel I am important to my family and friends
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Self-Worth: Feeling important to your family and friends enhances self-worth and confidence. Social support is linked to higher self-esteem and better mental health.
- Reciprocal Relationships: Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and importance. Feeling valued by others fosters reciprocal support and resilience.
- Emotional Support: Being valued by others provides emotional support and resilience. Strong social ties are associated with lower rates of depression and anxiety.
- Reflective Prompts:
- What gives you the sense of not being important to your family and friends? In what way do you experience this feeling?
- How would you describe how you believe they do feel about your role in their life?
- How long has this been so? Did it always used to be this way? What has changed?
- What insight do you have into why this is happening? To what or whom do you attribute the reasons? How might those be resolved or addressed?
- How much might complacency be the issue on one or both sides? How could that pattern be reset?
- Is there another interpretation of the situation/behaviours you are seeing?
- How important do you think they would say they feel they are to you?
- What is your motivation/desire to improve this situation? What behaviours/actions do you believe could increase your significance in their life?
- Is it about stopping or starting habits?
- What would be good to address about what you/they are saying, doing, or being?
- As an easy first step, could you try to positively reminisce with them over favourite holidays, special occasions, good times, happy memories, funny experiences, etc.?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on why you feel unimportant to your family and friends and identify specific interactions contributing to this feeling.
- Communicate openly with your loved ones about your feelings and desires for the relationship.
- Make time to reminisce and strengthen your connections with them positively.
- Develop strategies to increase your significance in their lives through meaningful actions and behaviours.
My family and friends would say I'm distracted when I am with them*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Presence: Being fully present with loved ones enhances the quality of relationships. Research shows that giving your full attention to someone can create meaningful memories and strengthen bonds.
- Emotional Connection: Engaging fully in conversations and activities strengthens emotional bonds. Mindfulness in relationships improves communication and relational well-being.
- Relationship Satisfaction: Reducing distractions can improve relationship satisfaction and reduce feelings of being undervalued. Being present helps in building trust and emotional intimacy.
- Reflective Prompts:
- If you feel like this, what is taking your attention away from feeling and being ‘fully present’?
- With whom does it happen most frequently, when, and why?
- What long-term consequences or regret might there be for you if you continue?
- Is feeling distracted an ‘in your head’ sensation and/or a physical fact?
- Is your pattern of phone/device usage an exacerbating factor?
- Could you put your phone/tablet away and on silent for agreed periods when with family or friends and give them your full undivided attention for that time?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on the factors that distract you from being fully present with your loved ones.
- Identify specific times and situations where you can reduce distractions and be more engaged.
- Develop strategies to manage phone/device usage and prioritize quality time with family and friends.
- Communicate your intentions to be more present with your loved ones and seek their support.
I feel my personal relationships suffer as a consequence of my work*
- Relevance to Wellbeing:
- Work-Life Balance: Balancing work and personal life is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Work-related stress can spill over into personal life, affecting relationship quality.
- Relationship Quality: Ensuring that work does not negatively impact personal relationships enhances their quality and longevity. Positive relationships at work can also improve overall life satisfaction.
- Emotional Health: Reducing work-related stress and its spillover into personal life supports emotional health and wellbeing. High-quality relationships can counteract workplace burnout.
- Reflective Prompts:
- In what way do you feel your personal relationships are suffering? What does this mean to you/them? How understanding/supportive/tolerant are your family/friends to the demands of your work?
- How sustainable is this as a mode of living for you and your loved ones? How long will your relationships remain healthy if you continue the same approach?
- What do you need to change to nurture these relationships for the long term?
- How much of the way work spills over into your personal life is within your control or influence? What intrusions are genuinely essential? How much of your load could be down-prioritized, redesigned, or delegated? How much has simply become a habit?
- What boundaries do you have to separate work from your home life? (See the questions under Balance & Boundaries for more tips on setting and holding boundaries).
- What about making changes to your current approach of, say, working from home/working on site, taking calls/doing emails, etc, taking time to yourself to reconnect with your home identity and switch off work identity?
- Action Strategies:
- Reflect on the impact of work on your personal relationships and identify specific areas of concern.
- Communicate openly with your family and friends about the demands of your work and seek their understanding and support.
- Develop strategies to manage work-related stress and reduce its spillover into your personal life.
- Set firm boundaries to protect your personal time and prioritize your relationships.
Wellbeing Strategies and Actions
Wellbeing Tips for Authentic Relationships - Working Well
Wellbeing Tips for Authentic Relationships - Living Well
Tip:
Be alert to the potential need to recommend further support from other professionals in relation to ‘red flags’ in this domain e.g. relationship counselling; clinical psychology; family therapy.